Contact Info / Websites
This is something different than what I usually talk about. And it is related solely to one thing and one thing alone...writing. There isn't any easy way to begin this. So I'm just going to dive right in...there are issues in writing, issues pertaining to the real world, that are of immense import on varying levels. Some of them are important because they affect us every day. Some of them are important because whilst they rarely happen or never HAVE happened yet, they CAN happen and should be addressed and discussed. I deal in a myriad of writing from fiction to nonfiction, but through it all I try to do two things.
1. Tell a good story.
2. Actually try to take a look at an issue or subject, present it in a way that fits the story, and make my case for a side and/or make multiple cases for multiple sides and let the reader make their decision.
Usually I just focus on number one. Not this time. This time I want to talk about the issues. This time I want to talk about the things that I feel should be seriously examined and discussed. I know one argument you might be about to put forth. That I shouldn't be so quick to judge and that everyone has their own tastes and beliefs. But sincerity of belief isn't equivalent to truthfulness of belief.
I'll say what I told someone moderating a site. If I typed this: "." and you said it was anything other than a period, I would have to ask "Uh, are you sure you're looking at what I just typed?" There are SOME absolutes, SOME standards and rules and guidelines we all follow, not merely in society but in doing things like writing, and I keep seeing these failures on the writing front with stories that haven't got any likable or relatable protagonists, who have non-existent plots with little to no logic, which AREN'T funny or entertaining, and which think that as long as it provides stuff to jack off by, it's okay. I don't believe in settling for less, not when the authors of that work can do SO much better and seem to be able to WRITE so much better! Why DON'T they? Why hold back? Why settle for less? This is where the big boys write. You wanna write a story, fine! But PLEASE, I am BEGGING you, try and put real effort into it. Don't write a bad story with no plot and piss-poor characters, stick it up on Aryion and say "Well, it's only porn"! No. We want GOOD stories, GOOD porn, we want stuff that doesn't SUCK! And I don't think what I ask for in terms of the criterion is so much! Is it really so much to ask that a story makes some degree of sense? Or that the characters within are somewhat likable or admirable or relatable? Or that there's detail and real effort put into the setting, the plot or the characterization?
I'm gonna begin with something a little lower on the scale, then work my way up. Make your own judgments from that. But hopefully what I'm saying makes SOME sense.
You all know these guys. They're the "main characters". They're the heroes, the guys who move the story along, correct? And the issue that I have with current popular culture and with this site is...
And I know that some of you are gonna think this is stupid, I freely ADMIT this...
...there's no good guys.
Already I can tell some of you started laughing UPROARIOUSLY at this. I'm talking "BAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-He-he can't be SERIOUS, that's the stupidest-HAHAHAHAH!" type of laughter, you're wheezing in your chair, hell, maybe your knees are buckling from the chortling you're doing. You're laughing, I know. You're going "Of COURSE we're not good guys in the stories we write! We're enormous giants, or furry predators or cannibals! We're eating people! We're BAD GUYS!"
I almost NEVER write for or play a bad guy. In anything. I think a story should be about protagonists. Heroes, good guys, people the audience can either admire or relate to. And more often than not, many of the so-called protagonists in so, SO many stories I've read here on this site or on others, be it Furaffinity or the Disturbedthings forum...that's not the case. The protagonist is not just evil as all hell, they're two or one-dimensional. They essentially just care about sex or food. In short...they're animals. They have no depth, no characterization, no COMPLEXITY to them. And I don't think that's the way a story, no matter what the subject matter, should be about.
Everybody is utterly, buttf--k, EVIL. And I don't think that's the way it's meant to be. This kind of work should really be more about your humanity, your morality, your compassion, your ethicality and moral code. It should be about you struggling to maintain yourself, to balance the darker urges you have with the goodness within you. I can NEVER stand reading characters that are all "I wanna be all emo, dude, this beast that crawls in the dark and brooooods!" Or "I kill not because I must but because I can". That is SO one-note, so paper-thin, so...forgive the terminology but...freakin' LAME. BORING. There's nothing TO these guys. And I don't mind reading or watching characters with a specific kind of "one-dimensionalness" to them if they're entertaining.
Now, if a villain protagonist or the like is entertaining, a lot can be forgiven in a bad story. Let's take, for example, "It", the mini-series that appeared on TV. Curry's character is a RIOT. He's IMMENSELY entertaining. Oh yeah, he's all about how you're gonna FLOOOOAAAAAT, but dammit, he's fun to watch! A character that's fun to read about can turn a normally "flat" character into something you WANT to keep reading about. Or take the Warden from the "Story of Ricky". He too is immensely entertaining. Yeah, he's very two-dimensional, he's essentially just a "twirling mustache, mwa-ha-ha" type of evil prison warden, but he's so over the top and commands such attention from the audience you wanna keep seeing him. To me, THOSE are the kinds of "villain protagonists" that are the most well done. They should be entertaining if they're gonna be "flat".
Moving on. Let's go up the ladder in terms of "depths of seriousness".
There's SEVERAL problems I have with using kids as subjects of death of grievous harm in a story just like there's problems I have with using beaten-up wives or husbands. And they're similar not only to each other, but to OTHER issues I'd like to talk about. So I'm going to break them down.
In the hands of a lesser writer, as I have spoken to others about, domestic or child abuse is "something that happens to women and children". In the real world, domestic abuse can and does happen to men. And child abuse isn't just limited to little eight-year-olds. And it isn't just a matter of physical violence either. It can, and is, more than that. Psychological abuse. Negligence bordering on abuse. But again, as I said before, to a lesser writer, these subjects, much like rape, are just something that happens to a very specific gender and age group.
A lot of stories that include these happy subjects don't actually have a story or point of view they want to talk about. "Identity Crisis", the comic series for DC that showed the rape of Sue Dibny, was ultimately a red herring for the real plot. The story threw in an adult element. But it didn't focus on it the way a good story should. We never find out how Sue got over the rape or really reacted to it. There was little build-up and the rape itself ultimately doesn't have the gravitas it deserves. It just, like domestic abuse or child abuse, comes off as a "shock moment". Women and children are, to the average person, people that need to be protected and seeing them get hurt makes us instinctively gasp and go "Oh God no" and be horrified. That is just wrong.
You can't just toss a rape or domestic abuse or instance of child abuse into a story and not focus on it, not build up or foreshadow it, not show the consequences or fallout from it. That is insulting to the characters you're writing about, it is insulting to the readers, and it shows a lack of artistic and moral AND intellectual integrity.
Let me bring up a different kind of example. Stephen King. His book, "It", features a bully that�okay, I'm just gonna say it. The guy kills a baby to get an erection.
...you don't do that, King. You just don't. There are better ways to show somebody's screwed up. And of course, there's no consequences for such a thing. Oh yeah, he dies later, but not because of that.
But hey, if you think I'm being too cruel to an otherwise good writer, let's try a different tack and go for something "funny", "Family Guy". There was an entire show on how Peter was being sexually harassed by his boss, who's a woman. She wants to have sex with him. She pretty much refuses to take no for an answer. And what is the response the show has? That a guy can't be sexually harassed. Because...
Uh, look! Cutaway gag!
Do you see what I mean? It's attempting to address an adult subject. But it does it poorly. And I know what you're thinking. This is a comedy show. It's not meant to be taken seriously. It is trying to make fun of a subject through satire and irony. Except it doesn't come off as funny. It comes off as insulting towards a subject that deserves a lot more seriousness than it is getting. And we NEVER see the consequences for what happens at the end of the show.
Again, I repeat, you can't just toss something into a story to make it "dark" and not focus on the thing you just used. Let me bring up something else to make a further point. Remember when I said that a lesser writer will just use something like domestic abuse or rape or hurting kids as a way to make a cheap shock moment? There's something else that's done frequently. And it is the "Post-Apocalyptic scenario".
The stories are often not really about how the setting got to be the way it is except in maybe a bit of exposition. And the story doesn't focus on how the scenario affected the everyday man, doesn't show the struggles of the people on the street the way they should. Scenarios like that exist for one reason and one reason alone, to invoke an emotional reaction to US, the viewer or reader, because we're seeing our beloved Earth ruined. An entire planet gets nuked or wrecked JUST to make a place look "cooler".
Why? What's the point, to establish your hero as somebody fighting against someone with a large mass of resources? Why did it have to be post-apocalyptic to do it? Are you trying to show your hero in a hostile setting overcoming hard or impossible odds? Again. Why did it have to be post-apocalyptic to do it? Are you trying to show a fight for survival or put forward an anti-hero or villain protagonist? AGAIN, why did it have to be post-apocalyptic to do it? It doesn't. But I keep seeing it mostly because people think it is a "cool setting" and they're trying to go for something they think is "edgy" and "more adult".
I will say now what I have said repeatedly. Just because something is "darker" and "Edgier" does NOT make it more adult, does NOT make it more mature, a story isn't good just because you put it in a post-apocalyptic setting, or because you added death or rape! A GOOD story focuses on all that in a meaningful way.
Allow me to compare and contrast two stories from the Invader Zim fandom, a fandom I actually really enjoy, all flaws considered. One is "Masked Contrivance" His story is by no means a lighthearted romp. There is great suffering and death shown, but there's build-up to it and foreshadowing, and consequences that are shown through the story, fallout that we actually get to see in the context of the tale. A version of Earth gets totally burnt like a marshmallow in a fire, but there was a lead-up to it, and the destruction of the planet and all on it is a defining part not merely of the one who did it, but of one of the "survivors", you could say, the best friend to the one that committed the act. Furthermore, we later find out it wasn't really that guy's fault. Both were being manipulated. THIS is what makes a good story. The suffering of others and how that suffering affected others is given proper examination and isn't just casually tossed in to make the story "darker" and thus somehow "better".
In contrast, the tale "Aloft in the Airway" does not do that. It features Dib and Gaz selling out humanity to save their own skin. Oh, and then they ruin any efforts that humanity could have had to gain their planet back. Oh, but if you thought THAT was tasteless, out of character and insulting enough, it gets worse. Zim asks Dib to slip Gaz a date rape drug so he can knock her up and make her bear his kids.
Dib agrees. He does it. Oh. And no, we don't really get that much focus on what happens after either. That story was one of THE worst stories I've ever read. It casually tossed in slavery, killing and rape and doesn't give them the proper treatment such subject matters deserve. That is just plain wrong. But to be fair, the author admitted that the story was an experiment, that it was sort of a "test run".
...I still feel disgusted I read it. The same way I feel disgusted seeing people casually tossing in dark subject matter without giving it the respect it deserves, or just using it to advance a plot despite the tastelessness of the subject. Having people getting killed off in mass quantities just to advance a plot when something else could have worked just as well, or to create an environment that is "strange or new" is pretty much inexcusable in my opinion if you are not willing to give it the gravitas and dignity the subject matter deserves.
I'm going to quote somebody a whole lot smarter than I am.
"Sexual assault is almost impossible to express well or respectfully when the characters concerned are themselves simplified to the point of stereotypes. It's an intensely personal act and experience whose nature and repercussions are heavily colored by both cultural nuances and the individuals involved. Unfortunately, it's also become a popular shortcut for "developing" female characters. In this capacity, it tends to fall into one of three plot roles: an attempt to give the character a "dark" history, usually as a context or explanation for neuroses; a female hero's primary motivation for heroism or her catalyst for becoming a hero; or a means of diminishing a strong female character by emphasizing her vulnerability."
And I'm now going to agree with her on several parts of the "should someone write about rape in a story" issue. You probably shouldn't.
Sexual assault, ESPECIALLY sexual assault as retcon -(coughcoughIdentityCrisisisapieceofcrapcouchcou gh) is overused. DISGUSTINGLY so. Hell, the most sensitive and respectful depictions (and unfortunately these are so rare I honestly can't think of any good examples) are met with groans of "Oh, no, not again."
So again, I quote from girl-wonder's blog. "Take a good look at your story. Why do you think a rape is what you need for it to progress? Is there something else that could fill the same function? Unless you have a damn good reason to include rape in a story, you probably shouldn't. Using sexual assault as a motivation-in-a-box or an equivalent trope will do nothing but steal credibility and respect from a really serious, really important subject. Plus, you'll look like a twit."
I'm not talking about semi-consensual stuff or stories about "Stockholm Syndrome" stuf. Should you decide you ARE going to involve rape in a story to make it edgy or more adult, then you had, much like the issue of child abuse or the mass death of others or enslavement of others, YOU BETTER FOCUS ON IT. YOU HAD BETTER EXPLAIN HOW IT HAPPENED, GO INTO DETAIL IN REGARDS TO BUILD-UP AND SETTING UP THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT LED TO IT, AND YOU HAD BETTER SHOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER TO THE CHARACTERS THAT ENGAGED IN THE RAPE AND WHO WERE RAPED.
Allow me to give an example from a movie. Wedding Crashers. Vince Vaughn's character gets tied to a bed and raped. To be fair the movie, it is a comedy so there are some things that we permit due to "rule of funny", and we saw hints and foreshadowings that the girl who does it to him is�well, screwed up. In fact, the whole damn family has issues. We figure that out pretty quickly. So I can KINDA forgive what happens. Also, Vince actually goes to confront his rapist and they talk it out. In fact, much to his surprise, he actually starts falling in love with her twisted self and the two freakin' MARRY.
I can't believe it either. A comedy that actually focuses on a type of rape not often seen and which handles it with more seriousness and in a far more comprehensive and respectful way than most films do? WOW. Usually rape in movies is one-sided in every way, shape and form, the only type of consequences involve the rapist getting killed and us seeing the victim crying moments after, etc, etc. This is a good change of pace. This is something that should be more of a standard.
Now for a BAD example of rape that DOESN'T come from Identity Crisis. Mark Miller's "Nemesis #3". From the man who brought us "Civil War" and that piece of garbage that is "Wanted" comes a booby...trapped...vagina. The man whom the entire book is about, Nemesis, kidnaps a police chief's two kids and then impregnates the daughter with the son. And then, against all odds, he figures out how to make it worse. He booby-traps her uterus so they can't abort the incest baby. That was as stupid as it was offensive. This is a new level of sick. Mark Millar, man of class, ladies and gentlemen.
Or another example. This time from a video game. Phantasmagoria, the first one. Adrienne's husband has been slowly, over the course of the game, becoming more and more violent. Pushy. Mean. Cruel. And then...he forces himself on her. I am dead serious. We see this happen. Oh, and in case you're wondering, no. IT IS NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN. It had build-up and sinister foreshadowing...but there's NO focus on it after that scene. That. Is. Wrong.
Now I myself have used rape in a story before.I made some mistakes in the handling of the subject matter, that I freely admit, but I TRIED to make up for it in-story. And you should too if you use rape in a tale.
These sorts of issues deserve better treatment than so many stories I've read on the internet or seen in the movies or in television shows today give them. If you're going to put any of the aforementioned subjects in your stories, I implore you, I plead with you, I am begging on my bended knee, please, PLEASE treat them with the utmost seriousness and don't take them lightly. Really THINK about how you're going to go about using them, please. When you write about something such as this, you not only reflect upon yourself, but upon all of us writers as a whole. Is a poorly-built-up-to "rape as drama" story really something you want to be a measure of your work?
Now it's time to bring up ANOTHER issue in writing. This time it's something more...forgivable. And yet no less annoying.
What is it?
I'm going to once again pull out a random story from the "IZ" fanfiction archive and show you how to NOT write a chapter.
"I was sitting on the couch waiting fro Zim to arrive with Landia. She was so beautifu l and I couldn't wait to see her. They arrived after a few hours and me and Red rashed to the voot runner bay to mmet them. When they got out of the voot Red took Landia's hand and spun her around. I grabbed her arm and pulled her in towards my body.
"Come to the brige with me an Red we'll give you the grand tour." I said taking her han d and leading her to the brige. After showing her arounf we were sitting on the couch we had put in a few weeks ago and eating some snacks.
"So how did you get too Earth?" Red asked opening another bag of chips.
"Well, I hated my life here on Irk so I ran away but after a few months on Eartth I realized my mistake and wanted to come back but I had already self-destructed my voot so I was stuck there. After a while the atmosfere of Earth got to me and I started looking more like an Earth lady." She said twirling a stand of her hair. I smiled and an Idea popped in my head. I told one of the servants to show Landia to a room where she could sleep.
"Red, what if we made her into a Tallest to?" I said bouncing up and down a little.
"Yeah. That'd be so much fun! All three of us ruleing over the Irken Epire together!" He laughed a little and we called Irks top scientist Gre and told him about our plan. He thout it was a great idea too and said he could be there in a hour to make Landia taller. I couldn't wait for her too be a Tallest because then I could kill red and take other the entire Empire! Once Gre showed up we all went into a science lab and Gre injected Landia with a swrum that would make her taller. In a few hours she was just as tall as me and Red. I was happy and I couldn't wait until it was just me and Landia as the Tallests. Then she'd be all mine.
Only GOOD reveiws are allowed!"
...where do I begin?
"I was sitting on the couch waiting fro Zim to arrive with Landia. She was so beautifu l and I couldn't wait to see her."
"So beautiful". THAT is what you meant to say. And you meant "FOR Zim to arrive", not "fro".
""So how did you get too Earth?" Red asked opening another bag of chips."
This is the RIGHT way to say it: "So, how did you get to Earth?" Red asked, opening up another bag of chips." See what she did wrong?
In a day when even our internet services have spell-checking technology...this, in a way, seems ridiculously easy to fix. We should NOT be seeing this sort of thing CONSTANTLY in a story. Once or twice is fine, people slip up, but when you keep seeing page after page of words not properly capitalized and see sentence fragments running amok alongside badly-spelled words...I mean...I just can't believe this keeps happening.
And now...for something completely different.
...You know, I think I've given off the impression that I really hate a lot of authors or artists on this site with the work I do. But that's not true. I follow a little Christian model called "love the sinner, hate the sin". I don't hate people. I hate what they DO, or what they WRITE, or what they DRAW. And the reasons why vary.
But there's one thing that I think I should address. One thing that I haven't touched on as much as I should and perhaps some of you might know more of. It's a little thing called...
More often than not on this site, I've seen it happen again and again. The bad guys, the antagonists, the characters that drive a story but side with the dark side have an unfortunate tendency to be, well, flat. They're undynamic, uninteresting, unmotivated except by one thing: they're evil and hungry. That's it. Or just plain hungry, meaning they're on the level of animals.
I enjoy making fun of characters like that. They're weak, weak, weak. People who just do things because they're evil or hungry aren't interesting UNLESS you find some clever new take on it, which can be very rare. Without any motivation, credible backstories, or emotional connection that makes us, the audience, sympathize or empathize with them, they just become some asshole that wants to kill people just because they're the designated villain. I'm surprised I don't see more villain protagonists with top hats and moustaches to twirl whilst they say "Where is the reeeent? Where is the reeeeent! MWAHAHAHAHA!"
So is a flat character ALWAYS going to be bad?
Well...I'm gonna have to admit no. There ARE some characters I've seen in fiction which are INCREDIBLY FLAT and yet...I really like them! Why?
BECAUSE THEY'RE FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!!!
Let's take a look at Tim Curry's clown, Pennywise, in Stephen King's movie "It". Watch it. It's all on Youtube. And you'll realize something very, very quickly.
He's a RIOT! I'm serious. He's got weak motivation and he looks ridiculous even at times when he's trying to be serious, but he's so damn funny and over the top you can't help but laugh.
"Excuse me miss, is your refrigerator running? It is? Well you've better catch it before it runs away! Ah-HA! Ah-HA! Ah-HA!"
And then there's the Warden from "The Story of Ricky", which you can ALSO see in its entirety on Youtube. The Warden of the prison that the main character, Ricky, is in, actually DOES come with a black top hat and an evil cane. No moustache, but he IS really over-the-top evil and hilarious in how MELODRAMATIC he is.
Example? Well, his son trips on a carpet that was rolled up and a prisoner is brought before the warden.
"Why didn't you check the carpet before we arrived here? Have you got EYES?!"
The prisoner points to one of his, evidently not realizing that rhetorical questions aren't meant to be answered. So the warden JABS HIS CANE INTO THE MAN'S EYE and says "If your eyes can't see clearly, one will be enough" in a smarmy, "mwa-ha-haing" voice as he tosses his cane to the assistant warden, who looks at the eyeball on the cane, gasps, and genuflects on the spot. The Warden's evil acts, like all of the ultraviolence in the movie, can't be taken seriously because they reach levels that are so RIDICULOUS you have to take it as a farce, and the minute you do, you're laughing uproariously.
If a villain's really, really over-the-top with what they do and reach that level of hilarity, or if they've got intelligent motivations or can make us, the audience, identify or sympathize with them, the story can have a LOT going for it. But in truth, there's one more thing I want to address, and its this: there shouldn't be such a thing as absolute evil in fiction. There just shouldn't.
NOBODY considers themselves a villain in the real world. Nobody wakes up in the morning saying to themselves "Imma gonna be burnin' down a hospital cuz I'm EVIL". If they ARE evil, it is because circumstances have forced them to be, they steal because they need to feed their kids, or they kill somebody whom they think slighted them or who hurt their loved ones, or they lie to protect the feelings of others. OR they are evil because they believe that something is directly owed to them and they WANT it, or they think they're uniquely qualified to get something. Let's take Doctor Doom. He believes he should rule the world because he sees his country of Latveria as a haven. Nobody goes to bed hungry, the economy is booming, and there's no crime. One problem: no civil rights. At all. But he views that as an acceptable trade for a utopian society and wants to make ALL the world like that because he thinks the world sucks SO much and if only HE could be in charge, things would be so much better!
"Everyone is the hero of their own story". The concept of absolute evil is ridiculous in any story that's trying to be REMOTELY realistic. If you're trying to go for something in a more fantastical setting, then fine, but otherwise, I feel you need to take the lack of absolute evil in the real world into consideration and carefully consider your villain's motivations.
I know what you're thinking. "What's wrong with hedonism being a motivation"?
Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin's characters in "Bio-Dome" were hedonistic. And. They. SUCKED.
Hedonism is really just...well...there's not much to say about a character who is only motivated by the base interests of food and sex and drugs. They're barely above animals. And don't you tell me "Everyone is motivated by food, sex, and drugs ". People are motivated by things like POLITICS, or by LOVE, or a sense of ADVENTURE or a desire to see or do great things. I myself am actually quite the prude when it comes to things like drugs, alcohol and sex. Doing stuff like this is a way of trying to both balance my tastes whilst keeping myself "honest", by making sure I never get IN to sadistic levels of fetishism.
And as for the comparing to Hollywood...let's take a more Historical example. The Goths, the Gauls, the Barbarians of ancient times were hedonistic, as was, in most respects, the Roman and Greek cultures. The only difference is the Greeks and Romans attempted to balance their rampant hedonism and pedophilia with philosophy, discourse and intellectual debate. This attempt at balance is what makes me SLIGHTLY forgive their rampant excesses. It makes their culture less one-note than the Barbarians.
That's all I had to say. All I wanted to say. These issues are important to me, REALLY important, and I wanted to write about them, I wanted to talk about something I feel is really important in this day and age, and get my opinions across, and hopefully get people's reactions and honest responses. Please, feel free to leave whatever comment or critique you'd like.
The Negotiator was trying to...well, negotiate...with his new boss, Superintendent Frank Crabtree. Frank wanted his ambitious nephew, Duke Crabtree, to take the case of Dr. Raleigh's murder. It still pained The Negotiator to think of his poor boss dead and gone...which is why HE wanted to bring the murderer to justice.
"I'm giving you 16 hours to make an arrest. If you don't have a suspect in jail my midnight...Duke takes over the case and you'll be managing the desk at Central Booking. You follow?"
"Why are you so angry?"
"Are you insinuating that any "animosity" between us is gonna affect your job performance you pussilanimous-"
"Well yeah. I work better when I feel better about myself."
"I'm sorry if I said anything slanderous to you. When I get tired, I get snappy."
"Well then you musta been dog-tired on Sunday."
"Chief, I was spewing off so many non-sequiters my own DOG bit me!"
"Ha-ha-ha! Alright, fine, I'll give ya 24 hours. Is that enough?"
The Negotiator saluted. "I'm on the case, sir!"
First things first...the murder scene.
"We haven't touched anything. She's just the way we found her." Jim the cop said as the Negotiator walked up to him in Honeydew Park. The Negotiator knelt down and saw the face of Angie staring up. There were tear trails on her cheeks still...
"Cause of death is...a fractured skull. Her...her watch reads 12:06, most likely the time of death. There's a bracelet here...it reads "TLB" and it seems to belong to a man. And...a five pound tire iron. No fingerprints..."
The Negotiator bit his lip. "I'm closing her eyes." He said, lifting his hand and gently closing his boss's eyes. "I'm so, so sorry..." He thought as he stood up.
"Can I release the body to the coroner?" Jim asked.
"I also asked the lads to run a make on the tire iron to identify the vehicle."
"...good job. Check out the bracelet as well."
"Thank you sir. I appreciate your confidence in me."
"So Dr. Russell...tell me everything."
"I CAN'T believe anyone would KILL her. Was it that escaped criminal? That's what all the papers say."
"Er, Mr. Russell...did Angie have any...enemies?"
"I wouldn't know. She was a very ambitious, secretive BITCH in my opinion, but would someone want to kill her for that?"
"Was there a...man in her life?" The Negotiator asked.
"Yes. Yale Johnson."
"Can I have a list of her cases, please, all the things she was working on?"
"You're wasting your time. Hartrup's your crook."
"Where's the computer?"
"She obviously took it home with her. Satisfied?"
"Quite. Don't leave town. I'll go check on her home right now."
Driving to Dr. Raleigh's apartment, the Negotiator looked around. He felt sorrow fill him as he searched around. Only a few weeks ago he'd been in here with Angie, laughing about how great it was to be promoted. They'd been having such a great party with the others and-
Where was the computer? It...it was gone...
Yale's sweater with a recipt for "Fatal Attraction" was on the chair in the living room where Angie's computer ought to have been. The drug "Paxwic" was mentioned in a newspaper article on the table, highlighted. And there was a datebook that read "H" away and "presentation to reg" near the table. This...this was enough. But before he could leave, the neighbors dropped by.
"Hello! I'm Mrs. Tart. This is my husband. I suppose you're looking for clues."
"Have you seen any suspicious people coming around?"
"Yes. A black male came around at all times of the day and night."
"Honey, his name is Yale, and he's a very nice man."
They began bickering. The Negotiator finally popped the question: "Why was Yale suspicious?".
"Because he had a wedding ring on. He was committing adultery."
"For how long, do you think?"
"Oh, not very long. Not more than 6 months."
"Thank you for your time."
Just as The Negotiator had left the building, who should show up on the scene but Duke Crabtree, anxious to report something.
"What is it, Duke?"
"You wanna hear something disgusting? The Shrink was PREGNANT. This is a DOUBLE HOMICIDE. I'm gonna be going after that Hartrup creep. Oh, and another thing, Yale Johnson reported his car stolen and it was found about 100 yards from the crime...and guess what...the tire iron's missin'. Ain't that a coinky-dink?"
"...whatever." The Negotiator said. "Get lost, Duke. I've got work to do. I'm going to Ted's house..."
"...right after a nap..."
The trip to the house was uneventful. But when the Negotiator opened the door he was shocked. There really was "blood" on the walls. Ted's prison jumper was discarded on the floor, along with a bottle of scotch. On the couch was a pizza receipt, ordered at 10:21 and delivered at 11:15. So...then...
Ted WAS innocent. Of that the Negotiator was sure. What about Yale? He HAD to talk to Yale.
"I'm just devestated." Yale said. "Ted didn't do it. He's not the type!"
"What was Angie to you, Yale?"
"A friend and colleague." Yale told The Negotiator.
"...Yale, I KNOW you were having an affair."
"We WERE. But I put the brakes on it recently. My marriage is important to me."
"Angie was 2 months pregnant Yale..."
"REALLY?" Yale gasped. "That's...wow..."
The Negotiator sighed. "Yale, I...I hate to ask you this, but...will you submit to a blood test."
"I...I didn't kill her, I'm innocent, I...I should talk to a lawyer."
"You ARE a lawyer. Where were you around midnight?"
"I was talking to the cops about my stolen car."
The Negotiator nodded. "Right, I'll just be-"
Guess who showed up. AGAIN.
"Sorry to say this but your game's up! I caught that bastard Hartrup walking up the road to his ex-wife's place! I'm charging him with 1st degree murder!"
"Sure thing." (You shifty-eyed pig) "But I wanna speak to Ted."
"Go ahead, but we got him nailed with that bracelet. It was a gift from Hartrup to his WIFE." Duke said smugly.
"...creep." The Negotiator said, leaving the building.
Ted turned out to be...well...noncooperative. Nothing the Negotiator said worked. So he decided to visit Bridget's home. When he knocked on the door...
A shotgun was stuck in his face. YIKES!
"Nobody here wanna buy nothin'. Go away!"
"...I gain't got much use for the Fuzz. Whaddya wanna know?"
"Seen this bracelet before?"
"Where'd ya get that?"
"What does TLB mean?"
"Ted love Bridget. I made her give it back."
"Where IS Bridget?"
"She's romancing a good man now. One with money. Position. She'll do good this time!"
"I need to contact her. Where is she?"
"She's probably with her boyfriend, Rolf Klink or something. Go check it in the paper."
Waving goodbye, the Negotiator went back to his car, taking out his daily copy of the paper and looking through to find...
BINGO! "400 Jobs Promised as Drug Company inks Plant Deal". There was a picture of Rolf Klink and Bridget Hartrup in the paper. The drug spoken of was...Paxwic...
"So, have you found a suspect? Because it looks like Duke beat you to the punch." Frank Crabtree said down at the station.
"Ted didn't do it, sir." The Negotiator said.
"Ted couldn't have done it. He has a receipt for pizza at the time of the murder, meaning he couldn't have left the bracelet at the crime scene."
"That's...that's pretty compelling police work. So if HE didn't do it, who did?"
"Angie's work was related to Rolf Klink. Her paper could have ruined him. And Bridget, Hartrup's ex-wife, is currently seeing Rolf Klink. They have more motive."
"That's...that's d--n fine police work. Alright, let's go have a talk with Klink. Duke, I want you to come along and assist however you can. You might learn something."
Duke's sneer faded as instantly as it had begun. The Negotiator grinned inwardly as they left the building to go find a certain couple...one Rolf Klink and one Bridget Hartrup...
"Working late?" Dr. Raleigh asked Yale Johnson.
"Oh, yeah, I've got this speech to write." Yale said hastily.
"Should I...come back in half an hour?"
Yale sighed. "No, Angie, let's talk now."
"YOU think we should talk?" Angie asked.
"Yeah, what's so funny about that?"
"You seem nervous, are you nervous?"
"I think you're very nervous. Why?"
"Helen's on her way down here." Yale told her.
"Well then let's go to my office, she wouldn't think we would be there." Angie offered.
"No. Angie, it's over." Yale said sternly, gathering his courage.
"WHAT?!" Angie yelled.
"Helen's on her way down and we're...going out dancing! Angie, I'm breaking it off. I don't love you."
"You-you don't mean that..." Angie sobbed.
"I'm doing you a favor." Yale said stonily. "Go."
"You're not doing me any favors you son of a BITCH!" Angie sobbed, putting her hands to her mouth.
"Yale, I'm PREGNANT!" She wailed.
"OH." Yale gasped. He found himself comforting the sobbing Angie in his arms. The Negotiator felt pity rise in him.
Unbeknownst to him, Ted, still in his pink prison uniform, was watching Helen drive down to Yale's office. He blinked, recognizing both the car and her, and then walked off.
"There's...no doubt on the father?" He heard Yale say from the office. "What are you gonna do?"
"I'm keeping our baby...what do YOU plan on doing?"
"Angie...I'm staying with Helen."
"Will...will you support our child?"
Suddenly Helen walked into the hallway. Angie and Yale looked at each other one last time before Yale walked out to meet her.
"Helen, there you are!"
"I was looking for you." Helen said. "How are you-"
Then she saw Angie leaving the room, walking away with her head bowed slightly, moving fluidly.
"You were with HER again..." Helen said, tone rising angrily.
"She screwed up a caseI was working on." Yale explained to her. "I was reaming her out, if you wanna know the truth."
"Reaming...her...OUT?" Helen asked. She was getting more annoyed.
"Yes. Now what do you say we go out dancing?"
"What does "reaming her out" mean exactly."
"Okay, how about instead we go out and get some Chinese food and then bring it home for a nice romantic dinner at home by the fire!"
Helen shoved him aside and angrily rushed into the Negotiator's office, grabbing the nearest blunt object she could find...the Negotiator's prize $12,000 violin that was a gift from his aunt.
"I'm gonna kill 'em! I'm gonna beat that lying, cheating sonofabitch over the head with a blunt object and pound his conniving brain into porridge!" She snarled to the Negotiator.
The Negotiator blinked. "..."
"Don't gimme that frightened deer look. Say something useful!"
"Why are you so upset?" He asked finally.
"I can't trust that sonofabitch! I can't trust anyone!" Helen yelled. "RAAAOOOOOHHHHH!" She screeched, waving the violin over her head, getting all up in the Negotiator's face.
"I understand. It's important to have faith in your fellow human beings."
Helen growled. "Yeah, but look at ME. I don't know WHO to trust anymore!"
"Well, it IS something you gotta build." The Negotiator admitted.
Helen blinked a few times. "...how do you do that with a lying, cheating, duplicitous scumbag?!"
"People become liars and cheats if they think they can get away with it." The Negotiator told her.
She waved the violin frantically in the air. "Are you suggesting that I bust this violin over my husband's stupid head!?"
"No, of course not."
"So...what ARE you suggesting?" Helen asked, eyes narrowing.
"Helen, why is your marriage so important to you?"
"...because it's a union that's supposed to lead to something bigger than myself. THAT'S why it's important."
"Your husband doesn't share that view?"
"Maybe, maybe not. He said he was...oh yeah..."bewitched" by that evil woman...but wait, it's not ENOUGH to punish liars and cheaters. There's something missing in your theory. What is it?" Helen demanded to know.
"Tell Yale that a greater purpose is served by making your marriage work." He explained to her.
"Yes! She's blinded him. But now I know what I gotta do. Thank you." She put her violin down and walked out to speak with Yale. They agreed to have a nice romantic Chinese dinner by the fire...
Meanwhile, a slightly sobbing Angie found herself walking away from a lake as the moon reflected in the lake.
Someone else was also near the lake...
"I'M FREE!" Ted Hartrup shouted, now wearing a very nice suit.
"I'M FREE!" The echo came back to him.
"Being free means I can do what I like, means I can DRESS how I like, and SAY what I like! Being free means I never have to say I'm sorry!...unless I've done something wrong." He admitted.
LATER, IN THE MORNING...
"Being free is not just a right, it is a responsibilty..." Ted spoke to himself as he walked in the park...
Unaware that, just to his right and underneath some long grass...
Was the oh-so-still body of Dr. Angela Raleigh, the faintest trace of tears still on her cheeks...
Dr. Raleigh and Yale Johnson, Attorney at Law, were both working late and in the same building. Earlier they had both been looking towards each other in a court of law...
"I found him to be suffering from delusions." Dr. Raleigh reported to the court.
"Who? Who was suffering from delusions?" The prosecution asked.
She pointed right at Ted Hartrup, who looked angrily at her. "I am NOT suffering from delusions you parochial QUACK!" She snarled.
"Ted, be quiet." His lawyer Yale said right next to him.
"I'm just a wretched pawn in your game, mister, and I'm not playing!" Ted snapped at him.
"Mr. Hartrup claims that his "God" intervened with a mattress truck and-"
Dr. Raleigh didn't get to finish. Ted burst out. "Do NOT take that borgoise ignorant contemptous tone about a blessed miracle!"
"Order!" The judge's nasally, annoying voice rang out. "The prisoner shall refrain-"
"She's twisting what I said, the sanctamonious sally!"
"ORDER! The prisoner-"
"YOU'RE FIRED." Ted snarled at Yale.
"Bailiff, remove the prisoner." The judge ordered.
"With each turn of fate the circumstances like tumblers in a lock are falling into place, and will unleash my most horrifying potential..."
Before Ted knew it, he was being asked to get out of the police containment car he was in. Being the smart person he was...he struck the cop in the face and BOLTED.
Back at the office building Yale and Angie were at, the Negotiator was speaking with Angie.
"Dr. Raleigh, I don't believe you. He's not delusional. You just said what you said to shut him up about your relationship with-"
"I would like you to not make that accusation." Angie said sternly. "I'm your boss, remember?"
"Grumble-grumble. How ARE you and Yale?"
"Yale and I have been getting to know each other...exponentially in the past few weeks. We've reached a crossroads. Tonight it's do or die time."
"He's married, isn't he?"
"Yes, to "Princess Helen. Her father is Rolf Klink."
"That bigshot CEO? Leading member of the Fascist Party?"
"Yes. I'm not interested in being a mistress. I'm...ready to have a baby. I'm going to ask him to leave her tonight."
The Negotiator was shocked. "Doc, why did you choose Yale?"
"It just HAPPENED." She said. "We became friends, then...more. He has...a beautiful smile, a...a sharp mind. He's...he's so special. I love him."
"Doctor, maybe you ought to have the patience to wait until he becomes available..."
"No. I'm not patient."
"Is Yale patient?"
"Too much so. I need him to make a descisive gesture tonight."
"You might end up making a fool of yourself..."
"I know, but I'm pregnant."
The Negotiator gasped. "WH-WHAAAA?!"
"He's the father, but...he doesn't know."
"Aren't you gonna...gonna TELL him, boss?"
"I'm gonna tell him, but...I don't know how he'll react..."
"Just be honest with him." The Negotiator said, walking out of the room, leaving her. He walked into the room a few doors down, thinking it was the bathroom...
Oops. It was Yale's room.
"Hi Yale. I was just with Angie. She really cares about you." The Negotiator found himself saying.
"I know. I really like Angie, she and I are really close. She's beautiful, sexy, she's smart, and when I'm with her, I feel like a TIGER, y'know what I mean?" Yale grinned, his pearly whites clashing against his smooth black skin.
"But there's a few problems..." He admitted, putting his arms behind his head. "One, I think she's trying to make it serious, and two...I'm already married to my boss's daughter. You met Helen, remember? She's a major pain in the ass. But...but I don't wanna rock the boat until I've made partner...and I don't wanna just break it off with Angie. If you can suggest a win-win...I'm all ears."
"Why don't you just stick to the status quo for now?" The Negotiator asked. "Keep things the way they're going?"
"Because Angie's putting the screws to me. Last time we met, she asked me to throw my wedding ring out the window. When I said no, she refused and walked out!"
"Okay, okay. But Yale, what is more important? True love or your career?"
"They're BOTH important! Let's face it, part of the reason Angie loves me is that I'm a successful lawyer with real career aspects."
"Shouldn't you be looking out for number one right now, even if it means giving Angie the boot?"
"I know there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why give her the boot? She's a beaut!"
The Negotiator sighed. "Will being with Angie help or hinder your prospects, Yale?"
"I...don't know. If Helen caught me with her, that wouldn't help my prospects!" Yale admitted.
"What do you want in the future?"
"I want to make partner. This is a fierce practice here...and it could be mine if I play my cards right." Yale told the Negotiator.
"Would Angie wait long enough?"
"Well, Helen's father, Rolf Klink, he...he's got 6 months to live. Prostate cancer. So YES, I do expect her to wait."
The Negotiator rubbed his chin. "Look, stick with the old man and Helen and go to marriage counseling with your wife."
Yale began laughing. "Ha-ha-ha! That's like going to cooking school with cannibals!"
"Don't you owe the old man?"
"...you're right, I...I DO owe him, and...Helen may be a monster, but...I DID love her once, and I want our relationship to work. We'll go to marriage counseling! I wanna save our marriage!"
He reached for the phone and found himself calling his wife. The Negotiator smiled as he heard Helen's announcement that she would be right over and walked into his office to pack away his things.
But then he heard a familiar voice from Yale's office.
"Working late?" Angela Raleigh asked Yale softly.
"Oh crap." The Negotiator thought.
Ted Hartrup regarded the man who now entered his padded white cell and blinked slowly, looking intently at him.
"I remember you." He said. "You were in that car with my lawyer and his hellcat wife."
"Correct. I'm a investigator belonging to a special crime unit revolving around negotiation and analysis of crimes. I've double majored in psychology and criminalistics. I'm here to do a simple assessment and I'd like you to answer all my questions to the best of your ability."
The Negotiator knew that he was being observed via closed circuit TV by his boss. He had to think carefully about what to say. He didn't want to ask questions that would make a normal person paranoid, nor did he want to upset Ted and get him to hit him. That would get him thrown out and Ted would be unharmed.
"Maybe you think I'm crazy?" Ted asked.
The Negiotator knew that Ted was pretty clever and knew the rules of argument. But...was he sane? THAT was the question. Did he have a grip on reality at all?
"Well what would you do if you woke up one day and found blood everywhere and your children missing? If you had a crazy malevolent ex-wife, what would you do? Would you worry about the safety of your kids?" Ted asked, walking in a circle, looking around, but still addressing the Negotiator.
"Well I would have called the cops."
"Well, think about it. If you arrived at a bloody apartment with no sign of forced entry, wouldn't you arrest the confused father? You'd be a sitting duck, my friend. A sitting duck."
"Do you know why you're even here, Ted?" The Negotiator asked.
"I'm here because it's God's will. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." Ted said, looking up at the Heavens.
The Negotiator blinked. "Really? Ted you...you DO know where you are, don't you?"
"Of course I know where I am, you flea-biscuit!" Ted snapped. "What, do you think I would mistake this for my bathroom? I can take my clothes off in my bathroom!" He leaned in and whispered "Do you think I can take my clothes off HERE?!"
The Negotiator rubbed the back of his head. "Well, would it be APPROPRIATE to take your clothes off, Ted?"
"I know what you're up to. You want me to say something that will reveal a delusional state of mind. Then you'll stick me in a box and throw away the key." Ted spat on the ground. "What DIGUSTS me is that you do it under the guise of trying to help me! You're not concerned; I'm a monster that you wanna lock away forever. Well I've got news for you: I'M...NOT...CRAZY."
The Negotiator sighed. "Ted, do you even think that what you did was wrong?"
"Of course it was bad. Look, is it wrong to hit someone? Yes. But if somebody's carrying away your kids, is it wrong to hit them? No. If they're carrying them away from danger, then it's NOT right to hit them. But what if someone deliberately CREATED the danger to look like a hero? Or what if he created this OBVIOUS danger was to protect them from a more sinister danger! You see, it gets more complicated with every step."
Ted sat down in a chair and sighed. "It comes down to the intent. If a person is good, you can question their motives but their INTENT is not criminal. If their intent is evil than it doesn't matter HOW logical their actions might be, you can't trust them."
"Wait, Ted, are...are you saying you shouldn't be held accountable for what you did because your intent was good?"
"No." Ted said simply. "I know I should be held responsible for my actions. But if I remain pure at heart, than God shall make it clear what he wants when the time comes."
The Negotiator looked interested, and made a note of it on the notepad he'd brought. Ted however, wanted to know what was going on.
"Hello? Are you paying attention to me? What's your intention here? The silence is ringin' in my ears! WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION? Helloooo?" He demanded to know, waving his hand in the Negotiator's face.
"Ted, what do you do if you need an answer and the Lord is silent?" The Negotiator asked.
"I...am simple man up against forces of evil beyond my comprehension. When the Lord is silent, all I can do is pray that...that He will not abandon me again. I don't know what possessed me to strap TNT to my chest. It was...the horror of what I beheld and the absolute silence of God." Ted said, getting up and walking away slowly.
"I was lost...that window...it was my only salvation. I thought I would die, but then...the Lord spared me for another day, and he sent a Mattress truck beneath my path."
The Negotiator nodded. He'd seen it for his own eyes. He thanked Ted and opened the door. As he led Ted outside, Ted whistled at a sight to his right. "Hel-LO!"
Yale had his arm around Angie, and he looked crossly at the two of them. "Do you MIND?!"
"Alright, let's go." Jim said, leading Ted away.
Angie walked up to the Negotiator and raised an eyebrow. "So? Is he sane? Insane?" She asked.
The Negotiator handed her his notepad with all of his notes. "Mr. Hartrup might have a more devoted approach to God than most people I've met, but he is not pyschotic and is aware of reality. The horror of what he saw put him in a temporary dissociative state for which he should not be held criminally responsible." The Negotiator told her. Yale had already left.
Dr. Angela Raleigh nodded. "Right. The court date is tomorrow. I think we can both go home now..."
In a park quite some distance away from where a man had leapt from a window of a tall skyscraping building...
Two young lovers were naked and kissing up a storm.
Okay, more than kissing.
"Oh-OH. I see babies!"
"Let's finish High school first." (Greatest lines ever)
"No I mean LOOK, there's babies right over there!" She said, pointing.
LATER, AT TED'S APARTMENT...
"I'd go crazy too if I saw this when I woke up..."
"This isn't blood...it's...beet juice." A woman with shoulder-length hair remarked, examining it with a keen eye.
"Two infants were found in Honeydew Park today. They had been in the care of their father who was involved in a bombing incident earlier today. They have now been returned to the care of thier mother."
Meanwhile, on a country road in the dark of night, an interracial couple was speaking. One was a white woman with red and orange streaked hair. The other a handsome black man who was at the wheel.
"Yale, how can we enjoy ourselves at parties if you keep getting jealous?"
"If you keep flirting Helen, I'm gonna jealous."
"He asked if I thought there was a chance for peace in the Middle East."
"It's CODE. He was really asking if you thought you could keep yourself out of his pants!"
"REALLY, Yale! You're so-"
"If you've said..." The man began speaking in falsetto. "Yes, it is possible to rise above-"
"Yale, stop making fun of me!"
Then suddenly someone appeared in front of them both. A man waving his hands with something red strapped around his waist. A...a bomb!?!
"Yale...do not stop for him." Helen said, turning her angry face towards Yale.
"But he's standing in the middle of the road!"
"Do you wanna get mugged? Do you wanna DIE?!" She asked.
But the car did come screeching to a halt. A very grateful man in a teal, long-sleeve shirt with dark pants climbed in. "God bless you both for stopping." He told them, climbing next to another person who was also in the car.
"Hey, you look familiar." The person said to Ted. "I think I've seen you before...just this morning, actually..."
"I'm going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Can you help me find my kids?"
"Are you such a loser that you have to pick up people just to feel good about yourselves?"
"Are you such a loser that you ignore people in need?"
"Hello???" The man asked.
"I'M not the one that needs to prove anything!" The angry Helen snarled.
"Hello? Pay attention!" The man groaned.
"Guys, I think we should-"
"Oh no, you've got to prove nothing to anyone except maybe an OVERSEXED history professor who's willing to overlook your obvious ignorance of the middle east-"
"HEY!" The man yelled. "You all better listen to me or I blow us all to Hell!"
"Hey, NOW I remember you! You're the one that jumped out of that building!" The other man in back remarked.
"WHAT?!" Both Helen and Yale asked.
Then a roadblock appeared ahead. Ted demanded that they stop after introducing himself, but Yale insisted that as a lawyer, he would be able to help him get his kids back. And then...
A woman wearing a white long-sleeve jacket appeared, her red hair falling down to her shoulder. "Hello Yale."
"Angie?" Helen asked.
"She's a psychiatrist and a police negotiator."
"So she must be Dr. Somebody or Another...you call her "Angie"?"
Yale looked guilty, but then...
"Yale, calm down and introduce Angie to your wife. She's the one on edge, not Ted here." The other man whispered to him.
Yale quickly changed his expression. "Dr. Raleigh, this is my wife Helen. My beautiful wife, Helen."
"Call me Angie. Your husband has an impressive mind."
Yale laughed. "Oh, and I thought you were attracted to my BODY? Ha-ha-ha!"
Helen promptly punched Yale in the nose with a cry of "YOU SONOFABITCH!"
"Holy smokes, I thought that had problems! You're a hellcat, lady!" Ted exclaimed.
"JESUS CHRIST!" The other man said.
Yale held his hand over his nose, sniffling slightly. Instantly Helen gasped.
"Oh, I am SO sorry! I didn't mean it, are you okay?"
"Just like a woman. Wake up, sweetheart, your actions have consequences."
"Shut up, greaseball. MYOB."
"You don't scare me, wicked sprite. You're from the same devilish spawn stockmas my ex-wife!"
"Ted, calm down. Helen, calm down." The other man said. "And Ted..."
"Stop insulting my wife!" Yale said, annoyed with Ted, putting his hand down.
"I take it back, I take it back."
"About time. Now you sound like the man I married."
"I AM the man you married. Now let me calm this situation down. Ted, I want you to calm down and surrender so that we can reunite you with your kids."
"You...can do that?" He asked.
The other man nodded. "If anyone can do it, Yale can."
Ted agreed to surrender and walked out of the car as he was led to the police car and put inside as the cop read him his charges. Helen and Yale continued on their car trip while the hitchhiking man with them got out and into the car with Angie, the cop and Ted.
"Good to meet you Dr. Raleigh...." The man began. "I've heard of you. I'm a psychological-"
"You don't have to worry about your daddy. They're gonna lock him up somewhere where he won't be able to hurt anyone OR himself. Now come on...if you wanna get strong..."
A woman with orange/blond hair raised up some food for her two infant children, smiling gently.
"You gotta eat your beef..."
How...how was this happening?
My kids...oh Jesus, where are my kids?
"Good morning, Klink International, please hold!"
The secretary at the desk, smiling calmly, continued to answer the question that were rattling off the other end of the line over and over, the answer always being "I'm sorry he's not in yet."
Then that man with the dynamite showed up. "Oh boy." She groaned, looking at what was strapped to his chest.
"There's nobody home. She's trying to frame me, Bridget. Tell her to get out right now or I blow us all to Hell!"
Thank God the cop came in. He leveled his gun at the anxious man who wanted his kids back. "FREEZE."
"Put that gun down or I blow us all to hell! 1...2..."
"All right. I'm putting the gun down. Now what's going on? Who's Bridget?"
"My ex-wife. She's trying to frame me."
"Calm down. I'm Jim. I'm gonna help you out. "
"Do you think I'm crazy!?" The man demanded to know.
Jim shook his head. "I dunno, but that dynamite scares me."
"Are you scared of ME?"
"I'm afraid of getting blown up, ain't you?" Jim said.
The man shook his head. "I don't care. If...if you knew what I'd been through...you'd understand."
"What happened, sir?"
"I put them to bed, I read them a story. Then I...er..." The man looked nervous. "I had a few drinks and passed out. When I woke up there was...there was blood everywhere and..." The man looked like he wanted to cry. "My...my kids were GONE."
"That's HORRIBLE." Jim gasped.
"DON'T PATRONIZE ME, PIG! Get Bridget out here now or I blow us all to Hell!" The man yelled.
"Well I don't know where they are."
"Please, you gotta help me!" The man insisted. "She's crazy, she's got my kids!"
"We'll try to get Bridget on the phone, but please put that detonator down."
"Get Bridget on the phone right now! I'm not putting this thing down..." He shook the bomb on his chest slightly, "Until I see them!!!"
"Fine. Lola, can you call up Bridget...er...what's your name?"
"Hartrup. Ted Hartrup."
"She's not been in for 3 days and there's no answer at her house-"
"LIAR!" Ted yelled, running over to her and getting in her face. "You know where she is, DON'T YOU?!"
"HELP!" The receptionist screamed.
Jim instantly shouted out "THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS!"
Ted froze up. He shook slightly. "You're, you're right, where-where are my kids? I'm not crazy, I'm not..."
He couldn't take it. He jumped out the window, which shattered with a crash.
"I need a cigarette." Lola complained.
"This...this doesn't look all that good does it? Lord, I know I don't deserve it but...but if you could put a mattress truck beneath me...I'd wash your feet. I'd wash the feet of anyone you told me to, Lord..."
He landed straight into a mattress truck with feathery softness surrounding him.
The cop looked down out the window, unaware...
That someone else had seen the whole thing. Someone who would later be hitching a ride with a young, interracial couple...
"The Negotiator" series. The games are developed by the one and only Mike Gibson, who's a very nice kid. The series of "Ambition" is quite possibly the best interactive flash cartoon I've ever seen. The storyline is incredibly developed, the voicework is done quite well, and the animation is nothing to shake a stick at.
But you might be wondering...what the heck is going on? "I can't follow this story!" "How do I do this or that?"
Well, I'm gonna lead you through them, one by one. And I'm gonna do it in a creative fashion to boot. Just wait and see.
You've seen the bad ones. Now for the GOOD codes. These will do you a world of good.
2&sLqU: Don't think for one moment that this code is fake. It's just tricky. Talk to Zeus in Hel's place and hit "Enter Password". Enter the password and you won't have to answer all those tricky questions. Although really you should answer them, Mythology is fascinating.
jt<ah~NL-: This will get you access to Zeus so that you may answer his questions, and also grant you the privilege of having creamed Death! Yes, there is a bonus for beating Death. I am not telling you what it is or what it does. Go find out yourself!
Moonwalk: Sends you to the beginning of the game, when you fight Minotaur. You'll be walkin' backwards.
NjO9qO-hf: This is the code shown at the end of the game. In the upper right hand corner after the credits are the options "Start Over" or "Continue", just so you know I'm on the level. The code will enable you to continue on with what you had against Hel in a new game. It's the shiznit! Uh, and those are not zeroes in the code. They are "o's". Okay?
NjP9rp-hN: This is for the 1st level, after obtaining the key, just before the Banshee.
h@N~fj6FB: This is for the second level, after obtaining both keys.
Dh~pb+Nj-: This is for the third level, after obtaining both keys and pulling all switches.
fP3VhOjNk: This is for the fourth level, before obtaining the key.
rwjNIf~Hh: This is for the fifth level, after getting both keys.
$YPhNjg-G: This is for the sixth level, after solving all the puzzles and getting both keys.
aLhj~N4-i: This is for the seventh and last level.
And that's all, folks! Take good care of these codes. They'll do you well.
Go ahead and say what you will about the game Malapa's Challenge. However I, being the nice guy I am, have codes for it. That's right. Malapa's Challenge codes. (The reason I said those last three words are for Googlers who want help.)
So then, let me start off by saying this: The moonwalk code is funny. You're walkin' backwards! Cuuuute.
Now, here are some helpful tips before the codes:
1. Healing spots are your friend. Battle near them constantly. You'll be able to heal by using your healing spells and you can easily refill the PP you have by standing on the healing point. Rinse and repeat and you'll rise in levels like (snaps fingers) that.
2. What's the deal with the preloader stuff? Well you get the moonwalk code. But you also get information to answer Zeus's questions. However I'm gonna tell you what the answers are...NOT! Look 'em up! Learn, my friend.
3. What's the deal with that other door in Hel's stage? Behind it is a foe even more dangerous than Hel herself...DEATH. And he can kick your @$$ like it's nothing. Be careful!
4. How do I get so and so out of the building, activate switches, etc? Okay, you should know how to do this, okay?
5. How do I get that anger thing up? Simple. Get attacked. It's like a limit break, the more damage dealt to you, the higher it goes. Of course, it means you'll wanna heal up often though if you choose to go into a battle without protection from spells and attacks, but you'll get that limit bar up quickly.
Finally, we come to the bosses.
He's not even very sentient. This jerk took over poor Biff, who's just trying to do his job with a smile, which is hard, considering some in the asylum probably consider smiling a message that means "I want you to bite me". The Minotaur just growls and attacks you with that lance/axe of his, snort at you and stomp around. Easy peasy. Attack with blasts and your fists, heal when needed, and he goes down. He has 6250 HP, 3125 PP.
BEAN SIDHE (BANSHEE):
She's fallen into a bad crowd. Usually their kind pity humans. Not this one. As for how to cream her, see above. Only by now you've leveled up some and you should be much stronger. Don't forget the Phoenix spell if you're worried about dying. She'll wail at you with her voice and use her blades, but she does go down. She has exactly the same stats health and PP wise as the Minotaur.
This guy Driscol I really can't stand. He's annoying. He's a crazy loony who teamed up with the dark Greek god of pain and he's the one pulling the strings. Poor Deimos got more than he bargained forl, especially considering now you should have leveled up enough to defend yourself with protective spells and, above all, your first blade spell! He has 12500 HP, 6250 PP.
This guy Phillips is just as annoying! He's the first guy's friend and he also teams up with a dark god, Phobos, Greek god of Fear. He's a real pain because he'll pound on you and won't let up, but by now you should have the second blast spell. Mind over matter, brains over brawn! Beat him and Phobox will whine about how HE should have been in control. He has the same HP and PP as his brother.
Tiamat is upset about how humans have been trashing the oceans. While I feel kinda sorry for her (she did get torn into pieces by Marduk at one point, her husband who STARTED her on the path to evil didn't get much punishment at all), you need to stop her. She'll claw you and use cool spells, but you should have the both shield spells and the Phoenix 2 spell. Beat her, and she'll try to take another body, but Zeus interferes. She respectfully leaves after that. She has 18750 HP and 9375 PP.
Just when you thought you'd have to beat down those two inmates and their god friends, guess what? You can't possess the same human twice, dipsticks. And Ares, their dad, is PISSED. He saw you beat Tiamat...that's not good. He attacks you, but by now you should have the Blade 2 spell. Unload on him. He'll whine and moan about how there's no hope or love and yadda yadda...then Aphrodite will interfere. Hah! He's WHIPPED. (No offense to the women.) His HP and PP are the same as Tiamat.
You'll find the God of Death is waiting for you. (Funny though...he's not evil usually) He sees you as being somewhat of a threat and vaguely acknowledges you have some power, but he insists that he IS death, and that Malapa cannot defeat Death. He'll attack you with many spells, so be sure to get all of your protective spells up to block his while you Blade 2 him. He'll try one more spell after you cream him, but realize that you're the one death cannot defeat. Horrified, he'll run like he's got a dog on his tail. He has the same HP and PP as Ares and Tiamat.
Ooh, she is just such an awful old ice queen of a female dog. She'll insult you over and over, even when you're fighting her for the first time. You can't win, so really just build up your Blade 2 spells and put up protective spells if you want. Attack her until the cutscene occurs, and then...the transformation! Go all out on her. Don't hold back. She deserves a good butt kicking. Finally it's all over...but what of Malapa? What's happened to him? Hel has 31250 HP and 15625 PP.
DEATH (SECRET FIGHT):
Wow. He looks...kinda nice, actually. He says that Malapa should be dead. But Malapa aint' going down that easy. Now when you fight him, cast Phoenix 2 whenever you run out of the spell. He has a move that can get you down to the single digits health-wise, and his other attacks are very tough. He's a lot tougher than Hel. But if you defeat him, you'll get a very, VERY good bonus, and the story will be advanced a little more. He's got 37500 HP, 18750 PP, the highest in all the game.
Next for the codes you MIGHT have seen before:
More Physic Powers-4rt453o
Santa T shirt-2375T6
Transport To Boss-21757HR
Play as Taryogen-7685RE
They don't work. Don' t get fooled! They do diddly.
Well, that's all for today! I'll be back later to tell you what DOES work. So long for now!